How to Cope with Bill Walton

When I was young, the sports analyst everyone despised/enjoyed was Howard Cosell. This extremely irritating and gangling man endeared himself to me when he somehow became the main defender of Mohammed Ali. Today's version of Cosell is Bill Walton, one of the great centers of the past, comparable in certain ways to Jabbar, Russell, Chamberlain and Shaq. In one NCAA game for the national college championship, Walton made 21 of 22 shots, and the one he missed, he actually made. It was a stuff, outlawed at the time and disallowed.

As a basketball commentator, Walton irritates my wife and most everyone else. His commentary frequently wanders into a stream of consciousness about how well Kevin Durant did on a 60 mile bike ride or how redwoods gather moisture from coastal fogs. He spices  up this stream with somewhat belligerant locker room banter that goes something like this (as the game he is supposedly broadcasting bubbles along).

Walton: Cropulis is a fantastic point guard. He was raised by the finest mother, a grammar school vice-principal.  Her name is Nancy Cropulis, Joe. Is your name Joe? Good. Cropulis grew up in Whitestubble, Nevada. Have you ever spent a night in Whitestubble?"

Joe Broadcaster:  No. Whitestubble?

Walton: Have you ever gone anywhere? Do you travel? I'm just asking if you leave the house.

Joe Broadcaster: Yes, I travel. I broadcast games for MBC.

Walton: But you haven't been to Whitestubble, an all-American town. You've neglected Whitesubble. You should visit. Become a true American. Buy a pork loin and cole slaw sandwich at Minny's eatery on Second Street. You'll love it.  Live a little, Joe. Expand your horizons. Read books. Have you read Plato? Strong rebound there by Jones.

How much Walton's approach to calling a basketball game gets enhanced by herbal supplements only he knows.  He's famously a Grateful Dead fan, and I appreciate him. I do have some advice for Joe Broadcaster, which is not to engage the man. Instead, go with the flow, as people might do in improv classes. Accept and embrace the premise.  

Walton: Have you ever spent a night in Whitesubble?

Joe Broadcaster: Whitestubble? My second wife's maiden name was Whitestubble. Her uncle served two terms as Whitestubble county's state senator. Man, I had the best root-beer float in my life in South Whitestubble. The nettle ice cream alone is worth a plane flight if you don't mind a dirt landing field.