The President's Morning

At four the President rolls out of bed and walks barefooted into his bathroom where he urinates into a gold toilet, plus some onto the floor. Then, donning an old pink Chinese silk robe from Michael Cohen, the President sits down at a desk and signs his daily authorizations allowing the Sun to rise in the east and roosters to crow. After three double whoppers and  German chocolate cake for breakfast, he sends out two dozen twitters mocking children with cancer etc.  

By eight the President has dressed formally, and a sex worker has set his hair in place. The Leader of Western Civilization orders his bodyman to turn on the television and play the day-old, digitally recorded Fox opinion shows. More twitters, including one that states that the army will soon become a wing of the coast guard. He writes that he is changing the name of the coast guard to "The Swabby Corps," because, he explains, a lot of people call them that. Back on the 'net he asks congress to fund the building of the Erie Canal. 

Before lunch. he goes for a fart walk in the rose garden. That's when he notices a wart on his nose. To cure it, he orders the head gardener to plant two chicken heads at the foot of a red crepe myrtle.