Taylor Swift's Bottom

I’m not what you’d call a Taylor Swift fan, preferring, as I do, Patsy Kline, Chuck Berry and Beethoven. But not long ago, she was groped in public and made a complaint. The man involved got fired and then sued her for 3 million dollars. Swift’s testimony at the trial was recently published in HARPER’S. (I have skipped a lot of the testimony in the interest of not typing more than needed.)

____________________________________

The man’s attorney: You contend that Mr. Brown put his hand underneath your skirt and grabbed your bare bottom.

Swift: Yes. He stayed latched on my bare ass cheek as I lurched away from him, visibly uncomfortable.

Attorney: Mr. Brown never grabbed your butt outside of your clothing?

Swift: He grabbed my ass underneath my skirt.

Attorney: So you acknowledge that Mr. Brown never grabbed your butt outside of your clothing.

Swift: Rather than grabbing my ass outside of my clothing, he grabbed my ass underneath the clothing.

Attorney: And Mr. Brown never otherwise touched your rear outside of your clothing.

Swift: He was busy grabbing my ass underneath my skirt, so he didn’t grab it outside of my skirt. 

Attorney: And other than the incident under the skirt, Mr. Brown didn’t otherwise touch you inappropriately?

Swift: Other than grabbing my ass underneath my skirt against my will and refusing to let go, he did not otherwise touch me inappropriately. 

Attorney: So you’re not critical of your bodyguard for allowing Mr. Brown to grope you and then walk out of the photo booth?

Swift:  No, I’m critical of your client for sticking his hand under my skirt and grabbing my ass.

Attorney: Can you explain to me how, given the stiffness of this skirt—If Mr. Brown’s hand is actually grabbing your bare cheek in the photography, why isn’t the front of your skirt someplace else?

Swift: Because my ass is located in the back of my body.

(Swift won.)